I. Introduction – Following divorce, most children live in a single-parent household for about 5 years. However, more than two thirds of men and women eventually remarry (Glick, 1989; Glick & Lin, 1986).
A. When the custodial parent remarries, some children welcome the new stepparent. Some, however, do not and the remarriage represents another difficult adjustment for the following reasons (Hetherington et al., 1989): a. It destroys any chance there was of reuniting their parents.
b. They may resent the stepparent’s attempts to win their affection or discipline them.
c. They may feel divided loyalties to their original parents and feel guilty about “abandoning” the noncustodial parent by giving affection to the stepparent.
d. They may also be unhappy about having to “share” their parents with his or her new partner, and they may worry about being “left out” of the new family.
e. They may have the additional problem of having to learn to live with stepsiblings.
II. Stepfathers
A. The most common form of blended families constitutes a mother, her biological children, a stepfather, and sometimes his children.
1. Most stepfathers do not participate actively in child rearing and often seem reluctant to become involved (Clarke-Stewart & Brentano, 2005).
2. Boys typically benefit from the presence of a stepfather, particularly when he is warm and involved. Preadolescent girls, however, do not adjust readily to their mother’s remarriage, apparently because it disrupts the intimate relationship they have established with her (Bray, 1999; Visher, Visher, &Pasley, 2003).
3. The adjustment is more difficult when…
a. … the children are adolescents.
i. They do not adapt as easily as children do and are more likely to challenge the stepfather’s authority.
b. … the stepfather brings his own biological children into the family.
i. Parents sometimes favor their biological children over their stepchildren, and such preferential treatment almost always leads to conflict and unhappiness (Dunn & Davies, 2001; Hetherington, Bridges, & Insabella, 1998).
ii. When the mother and stepfather argue, children usually side with their biological parents (Dunn, O’Connor, & Cheng, 2005).
4. The best strategy…
a. …for stepfathers is to be interested in their new stepchildren but avoid encroaching on established relationships.
b. … for newly remarried mothers is to be careful that their enthusiasm for their new spouse does not come at the expense of time and affection for their children.
c. … for both parents is to have realistic expectations. The blended family can be successful, but it takes effort because of the complicated relationships, conflicting loyalties, and jealousies that usually exist (Anderson et al., 1999; White & Gilbreth, 2001).
III. Stepmothers
A. It is not as common for a man to have custody of his children and therefore much less in known about blended families with a stepmother.
B. There are several factors that make a father’s remarriage difficult for his children.
1. Fathers are often awarded custody when judges believe that children are unruly and will profit from a father’s “firm hand.” Since those children are already having difficulties adjusting to many of life’s challenges, their father’s remarriage will certainly not be easy for them.
2. Fathers sometimes are also granted custody because they have a particularly close relationship with their children, especially their sons. When this is the case, children sometimes fear that their fathers’ remarriage will disturb their relationship (Buchanan, Maccoby, & Dornbush, 1996).
3. Noncustodial mothers are more likely than noncustodial fathers to maintain close and frequent contact with their children (Maccoby et al., 1993). This may make it difficult for a stepmother to establish a close relationship with her stepchildren, especially with her stepdaughters.
IV. Overtime…
A. …children adjust to the blended family. If the marriage is happy, most children profit from the presence of two caring adults. Unfortunately, second marriages are slightly more likely than fist marriages to end in divorce, so many children relive the trauma. As you can imagine, another divorce – and possibly another remarriage – severely disrupts children’s development, accentuating the problems that followed the initial divorce (Dunn, 2002).
Resources
Anderson, E. R., Greene, S. M., Hetherington, E. M., and Clingempeel, W. G. (1999). The dynamics of parental remarriage: Adolescent, parent, and sibling. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency perspective. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bray, J. H. (1999). From marriage to remarriage and beyond: Findings from the Developmental Issues in Step-families Research Project. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resilience perspective (pp. 295-319). Mahwah NL: Erlbaum.
Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbush, S. M. (1996). Adolescents after divorce. Cambridge MA: Harvard University Press.
Clarke-Stewart, K. A., and Brentano, C. (2005). Till divorce do us part. New Haven CT: Yale University Press.
Dunn, J. (2002). Sibling relationships. In P. K. Smith and C. H. Hart (Eds.), Handbook of childhood social development (pp. 223-237), Malden, MA: Blackwell.
Dunn, J., and Davies, L. (2001). Sibling relationships and interpersonal conflict. In J. Grych and F. D. Fincham (Eds.), Interparental conflict and child development (pp. 273-290). New York: Cambridge University Press.
Dunn, J., O’Connor, T. G., and Cheng, H. (2005). Children’s responses to conflict between their different parents: Mothers, stepfathers, nonresident fathers, and nonresident stepmothers. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 34, 223-234.
Glick, P. C. (1989). The family life cycle and social change. Family Relations, 38, 123-129.
Glick, P. C., and Lin, S. (1986). Recent changes in divorce and remarriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 737-747.
Hetherington, E. M., Bridges, M., and Insabella, G. M. (1998). Five perspectives on the association between divorce and remarriage and childrens’ adjustment. American Psychologist, 53, 167-184.
Hetherington, E. M., Stanley-Hagan, M., and Anderson, E. R. (1989). Marital transitions: A child’s perspective. American Psychologist, 44, 303-312.
Visher, E. B., Visher, J. S., and Pasley, K. (2003). Remarriage families and stepparenting. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes (pp. 153-175). New Your: Guilford.
White, L., and Gilbreth, J. G. (2001). When children have two fathers: Effects of relationships with stepfathers and noncustodial fathers on adolescent outcomes. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 63, 155-167.
